The Inside of my Brain…

I am writing this to talk about something that is always hard for people to explain. Hopefully, I can get my thoughts out while I turn to one of my ways of coping, but even while writing this I am struggling with the idea of posting it because no matter what I type, it’s not going to be right. I am going to try anyway.

Hello, my name Anna, I am 24 years old and I have social anxiety and depression. A lot of people in my life do not know the inner demons I have, and how much of a struggle my daily life is. How much I wish I don’t wake up, and how much I wish my brain would just be “fixed”. They don’t know how I have to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning and go to work, not because I hate my job, not because I am lazy, but because I am struggling with the fact that I woke up another morning. I have to face another day knowing I have to put in so much effort to hide what I am feeling from other people.

When people meet me they see a shy woman, they see someone that doesn’t talk much, that avoids eye contact, folds her arms, bites her lip, or plays with her hair. They see someone that is cracking her knuckles, fidgeting with her rings, chewing on her necklace. They see someone that seems very uptight and proud and wants to be left alone.

What they don’t see is the inner war she is having. They don’t see the panic, the shaking, the tears getting held back, or the struggle to breathe. They don’t see her eyes moving around as she notices every little thing happening around her. They don’t see her fidgeting with her rings, or twiddling her fingers. They don’t see her tapping her foot and doing everything she can just to remind herself that she is okay, and that she is still on a solid surface even though her legs are wobbling so much she can barely stand. It feels like she is on a fishing boat in the middle of a hurricane.

Not only does she hear someone talking to her but, she also hears every single sound around her. She hears the random people walking, conversations in the distance, the cars driving, and she can even hear the wind blowing. She hears dogs barking in the distance, and she hears bird chirping. She hears every word that someone is saying to her and she hears the responses in her head, but she can’t get them out because her mouth forgot how to form the words.

She hears all of her thoughts coming into her head at the same time, “What should I do? How should I be standing? Do they think I am weird? Do they hear how loud it is in here? Do they think I am crazy because I can hardly hear what they are saying over how loud it is? Am I going crazy? Shit, I am going crazy! What was that noise? Where did all these people come from? Is it always this crowded here? Do they see me panicking? Do they know how much this is killing me? Do I want them to know? Are they going to want to help?What? How? When? Why? What if- SHUT UP!!!”

The thoughts never stop. They just keep going and going. Then she hears all the noise again. She is able to break away from the conversation before anyone else can start talking. She finds a corner to hide in, a bathroom, or an empty room; anything away from the crowds so no one can see that she is struggling for a single breath. She hides so no one can see the tears as they roll down her face. Not because she is sad or scared, she knows she is safe, she knows there is nothing actually wrong, but the panic is there and she isn’t capable of stopping it.

After her brain calms down, she leaves the crowds as quickly as possible as she avoids everyone. She walks with her head down and headphones in because she knows it makes people more hesitant to speak to her. The entire time she is trying to get home she is worried that someone will talk to her, or even look at her.

She is home, she is safe, she is relaxed. She listens to music to quiet her brain, she reads a book so she can leave her reality for just a short time. Her phone rings. Her heart starts racing, she can’t breathe, she is shaking, “Who is this? Why are they calling me? What’s wrong? Who died? Oh god, who in my family is hurt? No one even has my number. Why am I getting a call?” She lets the phone ring because she was too anxious to answer and she was too scared to decline the call, so she looks at her phone nervously to see if someone left a message and to find out what was wrong.

She orders food because the stress of the day was too much and she no longer has the energy or motivation to cook. In the instructions she puts, “Anxiety – please leave food at door and walk away.” She knows she can’t open the door without going into a panic. The entire time she is waiting for the food she is panicking, wondering if they will actually leave it at the door, or if they are gonna stand and wait.

At the end of the day she gets ready for bed and, as she lays down the first thought that comes to mind is, “God I hope I don’t wake up. I don’t think I can do this again. It’s too much and I am not worth all the effort I put into each day.” Second thought. “Why do I do this every day? Why do I keep going? No one would miss me, no one would notice, and it would be so much easier if I wasn’t here.” Third thought. “Come on, Anna. You know that isn’t true, you know how many people you would hurt, and you know that you help many. You will be okay, tomorrow is another day and you will be okay.” Fourth thought. “God I hope I don’t wake up…”

Every day of my life, this is what my brain goes through. It’s a struggle that I try fighting and succeed at fighting every day. I am always at a 3/10. A good day is when I make it to 4/10. Some people may not see my daily life as “winning” but to me I am winning because I am still here.

I am not okay, and I have bad days. I wake up and go to bed with nightly thoughts of not wanting to wake up, or being upset that I did wake up. But, I know that I am loved and in the long term I know that I am okay, even if my brain tells me otherwise. This is a battle I am going to continue to fight. I know there is no “fixing” me, there is only coping and living the best ways I know how. I take the fights and turn them into something that makes me a stronger person and into something that might help others that may be going through the same struggles.

 
My name is Anna, and I am fighting another day for the chance of helping someone else.

Advertisements

Stephen King’s “IT” September 15, 1986

Hello Taco Lovers!

Today I am going to be reviewing the Stephen King novel “IT”!!!

It is a 1986 horror novel by American author Stephen King. It was his 22nd book and 18th novel written under his own name. The story follows the experiences of seven children as they are terrorized by an entity that exploits the fears and phobias of its victims to disguise itself while hunting its prey. “It” primarily appears in the form of a clown to attract its preferred prey of young children.

I am really excited about this because I read this with my ears for the first time when my husband and I took a road trip up to Maine.

So the first thing I am gonna say on this book is that I LOVED it. I am a big fan of Stephen King but I haven’t read a lot of his work all the way through yet. (I get sidetracked easily) Since driving from Illinois to Maine takes some time my husband and I chose to listen to the 44hr audio book that takes place there.

The first half of the book starts out in the 1950s where we follow kids when their lives get turned around when other kids around them start dying or disappearing. When “IT” appears to them and tries to get them, they are able to escape and try to figure out who or what IT is.

The kids come up with a plan to try and kill the creature, and without giving away any spoilers or details they were able to send IT away but they did not know for how long.

The second half of the book takes place 27 years later when all the kids that escaped IT try to come back and kill the thing once and for all.

The book is very good and definitely worth the read/listen.

Now, the things I don’t like in the book and this may contain spoilers, so stop reading here if you don’t want any.

3

2

1

SWIM AWAY SWIM AWAY!

Okay, there are a few moments in this book that are just rapey and child pornography.  For example, there is one female character that is GREATLY sexualized. Her dad very clearly wants to rape her and she doesn’t know how to get out of that situation.

There is also a moment where this female character as a child makes all the male friends bang her. I honestly don’t even know why that was in the book. Completely unnecessary but I am sure Mr. King had his reasons, or maybe I just completely missed the point because of how disturbed I was during this.

There was also a gay rape moment between two young boys as well, where one boy didn’t know how to handle what was happening and was afraid to say “no”.

Way too much child sex for my liking, but the rest of the book was really good.

Overall I am going to give this book 8/10 TACOS!!!

Until next time! Thank you for reading and share the love and share a taco!!!

Train to Busan (2016)

Good evening taco lovers!

I am just going to jump right into it tonight and say that my review is going to be on the film Train to Busan!

While a zombie virus breaks out in South Korea, passengers struggle to survive on the train from Seoul to Busan.

 

This film was by far one of the best Zombie movies I have ever seen. If you are not a fan of zombies I would highly recommend NEVER WATCHING THIS FILM! These were the best zombies I have seen and this movie meant business.

It was a very fast story. Everything just kinda happens, and I found myself saying “OH SNAP!” very often and throughout the entirety of it.

SPOILERS WILL BE IN THIS BLOG SO IF YOU DO NOT WANT IT SPOILED STOP READING AFTER I SAY THE FOLLOWING! THIS MOVIE WAS AMAZING AND THE BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE I HAVE SEEN! I THINK EVERYONE THAT LOVES ZOMBIES NEEDS TO WATCH THIS!

OKAY! STOP READING IN 3

2

1

NOW!!!

Okay. So like I said, a lot just happens in this movie. The movie is in subtitles so be ready for a lot of reading. The movie is fast but VERY easy to follow even for slow readers (like myself).

The actually story starts off with the main characters daughter wanting to go to Busan on her birthday to see her mom, and her father (The main character) is very involved with his work, making his daughter feel alone and unloved by him.

He ends up taking his daughter to Busan and right after they board the train the outbreak starts to become known. All hell breaks loose after one person that was running away from the zombies after she was bitten, jumps onto to train while the conductor wasn’t looking. The person turns on the train after the train leaves the station and then everything happens.

Throughout the movie we see the main character develop into a loving father that just wants to keep his daughter safe. He constantly learns lessons from his daughter and a few of the other passengers as they all fight to stay alive.

But just like any movie you have the horrible character that you just want to die in  painful death BEFORE HE GETS ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS KILLED! Yeah, I know. That NEVER happens and it doesn’t happen in this movie either.

There were a few scenes that were a little too CGI for me but still looked believable, and there was only one thing about this movie that drove me up a wall.  Within the first 5ish minutes you see a deer get hit by  a car and die. The man that hit the deer exits his car, checks the animal and then drives away. After he drives away we see the deer stand up and its eyes are white. Clearly the animal turned into a zombie.

Super cool right? When has there ever been a zombie movie that shows animals turning into the dead? That would be an amazing plot! However, the movie did not touch on the animals again and that was very upsetting. They could have done a lot with that but no, they just wanted to tease us and make sure we were annoyed within the hours thinking about the movie after it ended.

I do not want to give too much away so I will just add that the acting and casting was great, the filming was good, and I adored 98% of the entire thing.

Overall I think that everyone should check this movie out. It is free on Netflix and you should let me know in the comments what you think if you decide to check it out.

I give this movie 9/10 TACOS!!!

Thank you to everyone that reads this and I hope you continue to check out my thoughts. As always, share the love and share a taco! BYE!

Death Note (2017 Netflix Original)

Hello All my taco lovers! It has been months since my last blog and a lot has happened. I got married, went on a week long honeymoon, worked, moved to a new apartment, and went on a fifteen day road trip up to Acadia National Park in Maine.

It was a lot of fun but I am back and I have a lot to say about this movie I just watched with my husband. Today’s review of choice is The Netflix original “Death Note”.

Light Turner, a bright student, stumbles across a mystical notebook that has the power to kill any person whose name he writes in it. Light decides to launch a secret crusade to rid the streets of criminals. Soon, the student-turned-vigilante finds himself pursued by a famous detective known only by the alias L.

Death Note is my absolute favorite Anime, and one of my favorite Mangas.  Needless to say, I was VERY excited when I found out that Netflix was making their own live-action version. Netflix has yet to disappoint me when it comes to their originals and I went into this movie with high expectations. I definitely should NOT have done that.

This film was GARBANZO beans! The casting was all terrible minus Willem Defoe because you can never go wrong with him voicing a creepy character.

First off, they ruined the plot line of all the characters. No one acted how they should, Light  was not as smart as he should have been, and L was just crazy.

Secondly, they took out Light’s mother and sister, and added a female character to be his girlfriend. She was literally only added so they could add “sexy” scenes and Americanize the movie as much as possible.

Thirdly, there was a lot of time just dedicated to filling time. There were too many scenes that were stretched out and very quickly became super annoying.

The one thing I did like about this movie however, was how graphic it was. It was unexpected and nicely done. Be cautious though if you are thinking about watching it with younger kids. I would definitely check the parents guide on IMDB so you can be aware of when the bloody parts happen.

Overall I HATED this movie but it was not the worst movie I have ever seen. I still do not recommend you wasting your time on it.

I am going to give this movie a rating of 2/10 TACOS!

Thank you to everyone that reads through this blog and as always share the love and share a taco! BYE!

Harvey (1950)

Hi readers!

Sorry I have not blogged in forever! Wedding planning and work have taken up all my time! This blog is WELL overdue but here it goes!

Today I am going to be reviewing an old classic, and this film is one I have always enjoyed. The movie of choice is 1950’s HARVEY staring James Stewart!

Due to his insistence that he has an invisible six foot-tall rabbit for a best friend, a whimsical middle-aged man is thought by his family to be insane – but he may be wiser than anyone knows.

This classic film is 67 years old, and is still enjoyed by many  today. The gentle but somewhat whimsical plot is a way to stay engaged and keep a smile on your face.

Now, there are a few things to this movie that I do not like and would NOT be accepted in today’s society. I’ll talk about that later though.

The things I love about this movie are the following.

1: James Stewart is the lead of this film. He was such a soft spoken actor that had the ability to make people laugh or cry in the blink of an eye. He was so talented that no matter the  role he was able to make you apart of the film.

2: The film keeps you wondering. At first you think that the main character (Elwood P. Dowd) is crazy, then you think he is telling the truth. You don’t find out which is true until the end of the film.

3: This really isn’t a perk but I just think it’s really funny. The rabbit, Harvey, is described as a six foot tall rabbit. In the film you always see James Stewart looking up while he is supposedly talking to him. The funny thing is that James Stewart was SIX FOOT AND FOUR INCHES! That is FOUR inches taller than the rabbit! He wouldn’t be looking up to him at all hahaha!

4: All of the characters are fun and I love them all.

Now the bad. This is really the only thing I do not like about this movie and that is the one VERY rapey character that treats women like objects. This character openly treats women poorly and touches them whenever and wherever he want. Example, when this character first meets certain female character, he corners her into a wall, and starts flirting and calling her “Honey”. After she takes a liking to him they start to walk into the kitchen and as the woman walks in front of him, you see him look at her butt and raise his hand as if he was about to slap it. They walk off the screen and you hear a slapping noise, and the woman screams.

What? That is NOT okay and if that was something that happened in a movie now all women would be hating on that scene.

Overall I love this movie. I watch it multiple times a year and I encourage all to  see this film.

I am giving this movie 8.5/10 Tacos!

Until next time! Share the love and share a taco!

Aladdin The Broadway Musical

Hello again, Readers!

Today I shall be talking about and reviewing the hit, Broadway musical ALADDIN!!!

Aladdin is a musical based on the 1992 Disney animated film of the same name with music by Alan Menken and lyrics by Howard Ashman, Tim Rice and Chad Beguelin. Beguelin also wrote the book.

I want to start by saying that I LOVE going to the theater. It is one of my few happy places. I started going a lot more when my fiance and me started dating. So for the last few years we have been going once or twice a year. I know that this is not relevant to the review but I just wanted to give you a small idea about me. ^_^

Okay, on to the reviewing.

This performance was bueno. I really enjoyed watching it and singing along (in my head). The music contained all the songs from the animated 1992 version by Disney Studios, and there were also added, enjoyable tunes.

The acting by the selected cast was wonderful. Iago, whom was a human instead of a parrot, and The all powerful Genie stole the show. They were both VERY energetic, and never missed a cue. The gentleman that played Genie gave Robin Williams a run for his money. He was incredibly funny, and his big musical number “Friend Like Me” was AMAZEBALLS!

The gentleman that played Iago reminded me of Lou Costello and I could not stop laughing because of that.

The costumes were amazing. Very Sparkly and colorful. I’m not gonna lie. I wanted a few of the outfits for my wardrobe haha.

Overall, I can not think of one thing I didn’t like and I would highly recommend this for everyone. 10/10 TACOS!!!

Sorry this is a shorter post but I love you all and thank you to everyone that read this!

Until next time! Share the love and share a taco! BYE

Beauty and the Beast 2017

Bonjour readers! Today I am excited to say that I shall be reviewing Disney’s 2017, live action version of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!!!

An adaptation of the fairy tale about a monstrous-looking prince and a young woman who fall in love.

I am going to start off by saying that this movie was Real bueno. It has its pros and cons so lets jump right into it.

1: The first thing that jumped out at me was the how Disney was culturally accurate in the opening of the movie. The dancing and powdered wigs? Excellent. The harpsichord? Magnificent. The whole opening scene was deeply loved and appreciated by me.

2:  The filming was okay but, not the best I have scene Disney produce. There was a LOT of CGI going on. Some of it was nice and well done. The rest, ehhh. . .  Let’s just say it could have had a little help. But honestly, I probably just had a problem with it because I am not a fan of too much  CGI.
3: The music was very good. All the songs we know and love from the 1991 animated version were added, along with two or three new songs. I enjoyed all the music and had a few goosebumps show up while I was watching.

4: The casting was not the best. Disney is well known for casting people with powerful voices that are remembered throughout the years. Many of the lead characters are lacking that. Unfortunately, Disney thought it would be a better idea to keep the “all-star cast”  rather than casting actors/actresses that could keep the reputation.

Emma Watson was very good at her role and played Belle quite well. She just does not have a powerful enough voice to hit those big notes. Plus, it sounded liked they auto tuned her voice to the level of not even sounding like herself anymore.

5: I thought Adam (aka the beast) was well done. He resembled the animated version quite well.

6: Ewan McGregor and Emma Thomson. Enough said.

7: I LOVED the live action LeFou. Oh my goodness. Josh Gad brought the little guy to life! Well done my good man. Well done.

8: I was really happy that this movie explained some of the things that we just don’t understand from the animation version.

Example: Why no one new that there was a castle just a couple miles away from town. What happened to Belle’s mom. How Belle got a passed out Beast on her horse.

THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT HAUNTED MY DREAMS! FINALLY!

9: Gaston was epic. Perfect level of douchecanoe with the added Bad boy charm. There was just one thing I didn’t like. . .

SPOILER ALERT COMING!!!

3

2

1

NOW!!! I did not like how they killed Gaston. It was epic or stretched as long as it should have been. It wasn’t bad, just underwhelming.

Overall, I loved this movie and recommend that everyone sees it. I will rate this movie a solid 7.5/10 tacos!

Thank you to everyone that took the time to read this and check out my thoughts!

Until next time! Share the love and share a taco!